Evanesce
by Hopeless41
Summary: Ste stares at himself in the mirror and hates what he sees. His thoughts and feelings of Brendan. A small one shot.


**Evanesce **

I stand here and look at myself in the full length mirror that is before me and I don't recognise the man that I've become. It's like Im lost in someone else's life and have no control over anything, but I guess that's what all addicts must say. I became this person on my own, no one forced me to change and although it's easy to put the blame on something or someone else, I know that what you did to me started this downward spiral of my so called life.

You left me on my own…turned your back on me and threw me away like I was a piece of trash. I thought you loved me more than anyone or anything, but now seeing the mess you left behind I know I meant nothing to you. If you truly loved me, like you said you did I wouldn't be in this situation and I know that with all of my heart. My heart...haha now that's a joke, I don't even think I have one of those left anymore. See when you said goodbye you took away so much from me and ever since that day I've been trying to fill the void that came since being without you.

There has been a few…okay so more than a few, but I really thought that Harry would be able to keep me on the straight and narrow…wishful thinking I guess. I'm just kidding myself when in reality nothing and no one compare to you and the way you made me feel. It's been years without you, but I remember you like yesterday. We never could catch a break could we? but the good times we shared were the best times of my life and I will always treasure them.

I wondered over the years if it would get too much for you and that you'd have to contact me, but you never did. I hoped every day that I'd hear something or that you'd ask to see me…I guess I just added fuel to the fire that was already burning inside of me. I remember you always used to say how you loved my silky smooth skin. You should see it now…It looks like I'm dying and maybe I am. Maybe my heart has broken for the last time.

I just don't work without you, it feels like I'm shutting down and I need your love to revive me. I would beg you if I thought that it would make any difference, but I know you will never change your mind about us and why would you want to. I have hiv, I'm a drug addict and I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Who wants to be with someone like me? In a way I'm glad you can't see how disgusting I am…I think you'd have the shock of your life. I had everything when we were together and for a while I was even keeping you on the straight and narrow.

You took my life the day you went away and I did everything that I could do to feel an ounce of the way you made me feel. Now I'm faced with the consequences of my actions and I have to accept my fate. My body will not be able to keep up with my life choices and soon I will just fade away into the nothing that I am. I wonder if you could even bring me to life now…I think there is just no hope for me anymore.

I hoped that I would never have to live in a world without you, but that's what I've had to do for the longest time and it really fucking hurts. I don't even hear your name anymore and there is nothing around the village that has your stamp on it. It felt like you owned that village sometimes…I can still picture you walking through with your clicky heels and suits. God you always did look amazing. Not like me hey? You never wanted me to change for you though…you accepted me for me, that only made me love you more.

I haven't spoke of you in a while, not even to myself and now I have I feel that there is no going back for me. I pull a big bag of meth out of my pocket and stare at my wounded face and collapsed jaw in the mirror. I tell myself that it's the last hit to get me through, but deep down I know that I'm just lying to myself. I take this stuff to feel alive, to feel the way that you made me feel, but I know that I'm killing myself. I think I'm too far gone to care.

I'm so tired of being here, but I have no desire to change. does that even make any sense? I scratch myself on my face till I bleed and when I see the damage I've done I punch the mirror and smash it to smithereens. I can't bear to look at myself another minute longer. I know you would be so ashamed of me, but guess what? I'm ashamed of you too. How could you break someone this way? I would never have treated you the way you've treated me…I'd rather die.

I often wonder if you know what path I've chosen, but I just assume that you don't. It would hurt me so much to think that you'd know about my life now and do nothing to help me. Part of me still believes in you…part of me still believes that I am the love of your life and always will be. I know that you are mine and no matter what I do or where I go that will always be the one thing that will never change. I may be different to how you remember and the old me is fading fast, but before I take this mighty high know that it was you who always completed me.

 **Thanks for reading xxxx**


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